Dearest Ashlyn

Dearest Ashlyn,

As I write you this letter, I fight back the tears, and a couple may slip through. I have been thinking about this day more and more as it approaches. Tomorrow is the day I go back to work full-time. This has always been the plan since before you were born, I just had no idea how hard it would be. It has been almost a year now since you and I have been a team! And what a team we have been! For 7 1/2 months you were literally a part of me. Then you made your entrance to this world a month and half early. I had to leave the hospital without you. That wasn't part of my "birth plan". Actually, I didn't even have a "birth plan" (or a change of underwear) when you were born. Leaving you at the hospital when you were 2 days old was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I knew you were in good hands and that was where you needed to be at that time. Knowing those things didn't make it any easier. I thought about you every minute I was away and couldn't wait until I could get back to you.

So as I have to leave you again to go back to work I am full of emotions. I will still think of you every minute of the day! You will be in good hands tomorrow...with our other teammate...your daddy. I know he will take awesome care of you. He loves you very, very much. I am so thankful that he will get to spend so much time with you. I have truly enjoyed these 18 weeks we have spent together. I think that is what makes this so hard. You have changed so much over these 4 months and I have witnessed it all. I am so scared that you will do something new or have a "first" and I will miss out on it. I think that is my biggest fear. I don't want to miss a thing! I don't want you to grow up without me.

I am also sad that I will miss our mornings. My favorite part of the day is when you wake up. You greet me with a sleepy smile. I turn on the light and you squint your eyes. I unswaddle you and you stretch and you stretch and you stretch. I just lay there and I watch you. You make the cutest faces while you are stretching. I pick you up and cuddle you for a while until you start to squirm. You drowsily nurse for a while and then you fall asleep on my chest until it is time to get up. Sometimes I doze and sometimes I just lay there and watch you sleep. I smell you. I listen to you breath. I watch you smile in your sleep as you dream. I wonder what you dream of. I think those couple of hours are the ones I will miss the most. The ones I will look forward to the most!

Another fear I have is when I think back to before you were born, the evenings always seemed so rushed. I would rush home from work...or rush around doing errands. At home, we were rushing around to clean the house, cook dinner, take care of the dogs, do the laundry...we were always rushing! My promise to you is to do all of my "rushing" between 7 and 4 so that when I get home, I can settle down and enjoy you! I think we will quickly settle into a routine and this will get easier.

This transition also makes me happy. I am so happy that I have a job to go back to. One that I love as much as I do. I am happy that you are doing so well that I can leave you and not worry about you (well...I will always worry about you). I am happy that your dad is going to get to spend so much time with you. I think he will go through these feelings when he has to go back to work! Dropping you off at daycare will be another experience that will bring on many other emotions. But I am not going to think about that now. One step at a time.

Ashlyn Mae Wimberly, you are a beautiful, loving, smart, strong, funny girl! I will miss you more than you will ever know, but I will rush home everyday to you! The times that we are together will be that much sweeter! And I will look forward to the weekends...where I can sneak in a morning snuggle! You too, are my sunshine.

Love & Laughter,

Your mother